can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
