peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
