You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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