A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
