Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
