This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
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his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
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Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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