mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
