I'm gonna have a badass scar
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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