Ambien. No doubt about it.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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