Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
