lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
