we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
