Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
