i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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