Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
