so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
