She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
