Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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