my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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