I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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