saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
