operation harelip BJ is a go
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
