i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
