He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
