Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
