Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
