My Higher Power is John Stamos
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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