that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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