i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
