I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
