I accidentally had phone sex last night
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
