I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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