I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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