I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
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I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
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I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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