U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
