Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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