They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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