I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
