I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
