The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
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You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
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forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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