Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize