he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
ttyl tear gas
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
