thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
