if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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