from now on my penis is your penis
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
