I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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