3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
