When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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