If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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