lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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