dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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