i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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