the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
