Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
