No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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