apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
