College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize